I was in Portland the other day and saw this in a window display for a gallery. I love the composition of the woman walking by, which I didn’t intend as well as the other reflections amidst the “floating” houses.. it’s like walking in surreal neighborhood.. or it could just be me and my weird brain as of late but either way.. I love this shot.. hope you like it as well..

~ peace ~

~ Fyodor Dostoevsky ~

“Destiny, I feel , is also a relationship – a play between divine grace an  willful self-effort. Half of it you have no control over; half of it is absolutely in your hands, and your actions will show measurable consequence. Man is neither entirely a puppet of the gods, nor is he entirely the captain of his own destiny; he’s a little of both. We gallop through our lives like circus performers balancing on two speeding side by side horses – one foot is on the horse called “fate” the other on the horse called called “free will”. And the question you have to ask every day is – which horse is which? Which horse do I need to stop worrying about because it’s not under my control, and which do I need to steer with concentrated effort? “

“There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under my jurisdiction. There are certain lottery tickets I can buy, thereby increasing my odds of finding contentment. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I eat and read and study. I can choose how I’m going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life – whether I will see them as curses or opportunities (and on occasions when I can’t rise to the most optimist viewpoint, because I’m feeling too damn sorry for myself, I can choose to keep trying to change my outlook). I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts. “

~ Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love ~

I took this book out to send to a friend who wanted to read it before seeing the movie. I hope she doesn’t mind marked up books because I sure did mark it up, it is heavily highlighted and has little sticky notes on the pages I wanted to go back and look over.. and that is what I’m doing this morning. It couldn’t be better timing. There are still things going on that are emotionally draining that don’t have anything to do with the cancer. It’s not easy letting go of relationships even when you know it is for the best. The other person trying to pull you back in and even though you know it was unhealthy you still have those pulls. But I have a choice and I remember things about the past that make the choice of not getting sucked into something unhealthy again. It isn’t easy though.. wounds that are trying to heal but keep getting opened back up just by a few words.

The image above is a Petunia I found growing on my brick patio and as you can see its in the middle of a crack. I didn’t plant it there and found it one day opened up. I found the little flower in a very unkindly place to be a good sign.. a sign that even in an unlikely growing spot you can still grow and bloom. Right now I need all the positive reinforcement I can get to counteract the negative.

The passage above is something I need to read everyday.. should start my morning with it really. My opening daily prayer so to speak. I hope it will act as a shield when I get with emotional barbs which at times come out of now where and when I’m least prepared. It could be days and then bam.. another barb.. and I’m thrown off because the last one was supposed to have been the last one. Now that I have read this passage again and know that with practice I feel I have a chance of keeping this shield with me at all times. Hopefully after a while it won’t seem like I’m on guard but will just be a good and natural way of thinking.

So.. I think I’ve rambled enough.. not sure if it makes any sense and in some ways I don’t need to be too literal but it is my way of letting out some thoughts that I can’t outright say..

Hope everyone is having a great week..

~ peace ~

It is Monday morning.. and what a beautiful morning it is.. dry air, cooler temps and the sun is shining. Though the days are in some ways getting more tiresome and difficult as the chemotherapy go goes I know that in one month they will be done for now and I can take a much needed break from them.  I would love to have just two days in a row where I feel great. Right now that is my goal.. currently it is not the way and I know that  what I’m going through now is part of the process to beat this cancer but it is growing very tiresome to not feel good everyday. Some days it can vary by hour on how I feel other days its the whole day that I’m sick.. I never thought I would be happy to see the end of summer but this year, this time I am.. even if I have to do more later or something different that won’t be fun at least I will have a little bit of time where hopefully I can catch my breath so to speak.. course I never count on anything as it can all change at the drop of a hat. All I ask if for two days in a row of feeling really good, that means no symptoms at all, no fatigue, nausea, pain, numbness in my fingers, eye sight will be back to normal (forgot to mention my eyesight has gotten much worse, evidently the chemo meds can change the shape of the lens of your eyes therefore distorting things). I think having at least two days of this will help restore my mental and physical well being.

While I’m looking forward to August 25 which will be my last chemo treatment for this round I sit here and relish in the cool breezes that are coming in the windows for they help to push away the negative and calm my being. I’m still trying to live in the moment but I’m starting to see a little light at the end of the tunnel even if the end is actually just a bend in the road that goes onto a new treatment plan, I’m ok with it.

~ peace ~

They most often haunt me at night when I can’t sleep or when I awaken at the witching hour between two and three as I so often do, such as this morning.. its difficult for me to go back to sleep as these whisperings can be relentless and quite loud at times.

They have much to say these whisperings. I just have to find a way to let them be heard.

Nineteen… is a common number as of late for me.. well only common twice as of late. Today is July 19, 4 months to the day since my Lymphoma Cancer diagnosis. I will always remember this date as well as the time I was told. It still surprises me how at times I am reminded that I have cancer. I mean.. its always on my mind and it is a part of my life now but I still get a bit of reality from time to time. Just realizing that I have cancer, kind of like from the outside looking in. In fact as I type this I can feel numbness and tingling in my fingertips.. side effects from the chemo meds.. a reminder of what is going on. Still.. I’m not angry or wishing it upon someone else. It just is and I’m learning to live with it and all that it has taught me.

This Saturday is my daughter Hayley’s birthday, she will be 19.  Both important numbers for me this week.. one being a major change in my life that is not normally looked at as being positive but I have tried to turn it into a life change and not let it drag me down..too much.  Of course the second 19 being the age my daughter is turning..this number being nothing but positive and bringing much happiness and joy into my life.

Seeing as how this post has taken me since last night to write I’m going to end it here.. there is more I would like to say but due to chemo brain (see previous post) can’t quite get it out of my noggin also this tingling in my fingertips is annoying whilst tapping on the keys especially because I keep missing the keys I want.

Just felt the need to observe the number 19.

Hope the weekend went well for all of you.. until next time.

~ peace ~

One of the symptoms that I’m having a hard time with of late is my lack of brain power.. also known affectionately as chemo brain. It is getting harder and harder for me to articulate what I want to say or write. My recall is also really bad.. a lot of times I can’t remember things such as names of people, places and things.. I don’t mean I can’t remember what a plate or glass is but more like names of things. Some people’s names don’t come right to me. I make lists so I don’t forget to do things but then I forget to look at the lists. I want to meditate to help with my emotional being but I forget to or if I try to I can’t form it in my brain.. I can’t even write about it to tell you what I mean..  I also am having a hard time actually getting things out of my mouth because I draw a blank as to what I want to say. Even happens with writing.. so if this blog post or subsequent posts don’t sound like me or if the writing is what I usually do its due to the chemo brain.

Also.. to anyone who has emailed, texted or called, if I don’t answer you its because I’ve forgotten.. if I am not able o get to it right at the time of the message then I forget. I try to get back at some point to you but it may not be for a bit.. a lot of the times I am not able to be on the computer and of course that is the time when I will remember.. so please don’t take it personally if you don’t hear back from me right away.. its the chemo brain as well as other symptoms.. do know that I appreciate the messages.

It’s been a long haul and it isn’t over yet but at least I can just start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.. even if that light is short lived and I have to have more treatments or procedures at least I know I will get a break from the chemo meds come September. My brain, body and emotional state could use a rest even if its just for a little while.

Yesterday we had a family get together at my Aunt’s house in New Hampshire. It was to celebrate my grandfather’s 90th birthday. I can’t say how wonderful it was to be around family.. some of whom I haven’t seen in years. I was reminded once again of how much time flies by and how much older we all are and how much as happened in the years that have passed. Being around everyone and even more so being able to reconnect more closely with a few, again reminded me of how lucky I am and how much family is important and essential to making you who you are.

For me personally it was a sense of feeling like I belong somewhere or  better yet, to a part of something bigger then myself. I feel like being around everyone yesterday made me that much stronger to fight this cancer. It’s as if I internalized all the positive energy from yesterday and now my body will hopefully utilize it to wear down the cancer. My spirit also benefited from being around everyone as well and in some ways that is the bigger gift and I am so grateful for that.

So.. here’s to reconnecting and staying connected to family. I am looking forward to enriching my life more because of having these new relationships.

~ peace ~

This Angel is for my friend Trish who has lost her beautiful dog Sadie this morning. There are now words that can express how much you must be hurting but I hope this Angel give some comfort and know she will be by both your sides until you can be together again..

The Rainbow Bridge poem has helped me before when I’ve lost my beloved four legged friends.. I know you have probably heard it before but here it is again..

“When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together…. “

Author unknown…