~ Fyodor Dostoevsky ~

“Destiny, I feel , is also a relationship – a play between divine grace an  willful self-effort. Half of it you have no control over; half of it is absolutely in your hands, and your actions will show measurable consequence. Man is neither entirely a puppet of the gods, nor is he entirely the captain of his own destiny; he’s a little of both. We gallop through our lives like circus performers balancing on two speeding side by side horses – one foot is on the horse called “fate” the other on the horse called called “free will”. And the question you have to ask every day is – which horse is which? Which horse do I need to stop worrying about because it’s not under my control, and which do I need to steer with concentrated effort? “

“There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under my jurisdiction. There are certain lottery tickets I can buy, thereby increasing my odds of finding contentment. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I eat and read and study. I can choose how I’m going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life – whether I will see them as curses or opportunities (and on occasions when I can’t rise to the most optimist viewpoint, because I’m feeling too damn sorry for myself, I can choose to keep trying to change my outlook). I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts. “

~ Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love ~

I took this book out to send to a friend who wanted to read it before seeing the movie. I hope she doesn’t mind marked up books because I sure did mark it up, it is heavily highlighted and has little sticky notes on the pages I wanted to go back and look over.. and that is what I’m doing this morning. It couldn’t be better timing. There are still things going on that are emotionally draining that don’t have anything to do with the cancer. It’s not easy letting go of relationships even when you know it is for the best. The other person trying to pull you back in and even though you know it was unhealthy you still have those pulls. But I have a choice and I remember things about the past that make the choice of not getting sucked into something unhealthy again. It isn’t easy though.. wounds that are trying to heal but keep getting opened back up just by a few words.

The image above is a Petunia I found growing on my brick patio and as you can see its in the middle of a crack. I didn’t plant it there and found it one day opened up. I found the little flower in a very unkindly place to be a good sign.. a sign that even in an unlikely growing spot you can still grow and bloom. Right now I need all the positive reinforcement I can get to counteract the negative.

The passage above is something I need to read everyday.. should start my morning with it really. My opening daily prayer so to speak. I hope it will act as a shield when I get with emotional barbs which at times come out of now where and when I’m least prepared. It could be days and then bam.. another barb.. and I’m thrown off because the last one was supposed to have been the last one. Now that I have read this passage again and know that with practice I feel I have a chance of keeping this shield with me at all times. Hopefully after a while it won’t seem like I’m on guard but will just be a good and natural way of thinking.

So.. I think I’ve rambled enough.. not sure if it makes any sense and in some ways I don’t need to be too literal but it is my way of letting out some thoughts that I can’t outright say..

Hope everyone is having a great week..

~ peace ~

This Angel is for my friend Trish who has lost her beautiful dog Sadie this morning. There are now words that can express how much you must be hurting but I hope this Angel give some comfort and know she will be by both your sides until you can be together again..

The Rainbow Bridge poem has helped me before when I’ve lost my beloved four legged friends.. I know you have probably heard it before but here it is again..

“When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together…. “

Author unknown…

~ Marcel Pagnol ~

This reminds me to be in the present and really enjoy the moment even if there are some who try to take that away from me.. so this quote above is not only a reminder to myself but to anyone else who forgets..

~ peace ~

]]> http://laurieoneil.com/2010/07/the-present-is-good/feed/ 4 http://laurieoneil.com/2010/06/for-them/ http://laurieoneil.com/2010/06/for-them/#comments Tue, 29 Jun 2010 13:37:36 +0000 Laurie http://laurieoneil.com/?p=881 Continue reading →]]> Because they never judge, are always there for you, they don’t expect more then what you can give and are loyal.. this post is just for them..

I spend most of my time alone at home.. well.. not really alone.. I do have my pets.. and while it isn’t always a two way conversation they do give much comfort. Most of that comfort just comes from being there.. content to just be.. they teach me much on a daily basis and I am very grateful for that.

“Some people talk to animals. Not many listen though. That’s the problem.”
~ A.A. Milne ~

“We’ll be Friends Forever, won’t we, Pooh?’ asked Piglet.
Even longer,’ Pooh answered.”

~ A.A. Milne ~

Lately I’ve been beset by sadness.. at times overwhelming, most times just kind of there.  Ive been trying to figure out why exactly and I’ve come up that it’s a mix of things that have happened and are continuing to happen. First and foremost is the cancer. I think the treatments, the days of not feeling well and even the good days I’m not 100%, far from it, it’s just in comparison to the bad ones they are good. A feeling that life and time is passing me by while I watch it from the sidelines, not being able to actively participate as much as I would like. I know even when my chemo treatments stop (hopefully) in September that it’s going to take a few months for them to work their way out of my system. It’s all a bit daunting to think about at times..

I had a romantic relationship that ended as well so that has been difficult to deal with along with everything else. It is for the best but doesn’t make it any easier.

Now .. let me just say that I know I have support, I know it could be so much worse and I’m so very grateful that its not. However I feel that I do have to honor this sadness and just let myself feel it rather then push it aside and tell myself to buck up.. as the quote above states it is about a balance and while there is a part of me that is happy about how much people care and the friends I have.. I do have the sadness at the way things are at the moment and will be for a while..

I wasn’t sure if I should be honest and write that I’m feeling this way but I and you, the readers decided I should be honest in my writings so.. here I am being honest. I know things will be fine in the long run.. I have my faith and family with me which is huge. It’s just this day to day living that is testing me a bit.. but hey.. I am living and I am grateful..

thanks for letting me vent.. and the above photos were shot when Hayley and I were in Bar Harbor this past Saturday..  a very happy time to balance out the sadness talk..

~ peace ~

~ Author Unknown ~

Here in the shadows where the sun’s rays barely break through is where I can find peace and tranquility. These moment’s that play between shadows and streaks of light are fleeting, but once caught in sight and they linger in the mind.

Even what doesn’t appear to be in focus is there if one can imagine.. it’s all glorious and makes all around us feel in balance, at least for me.

]]> http://laurieoneil.com/2010/06/shadows-in-the-afternoon-light/feed/ 1 http://laurieoneil.com/2010/06/grounding/ http://laurieoneil.com/2010/06/grounding/#comments Sun, 06 Jun 2010 14:19:05 +0000 Laurie http://laurieoneil.com/?p=770 Continue reading →]]> “The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be”
~ Marcel Pagnol ~

It’s a rainy Sunday morning and I am sitting here at my desk, looking out the windows, smelling the peonies I put in a vase to my left and thinking and realizing I haven’t written about any of the realities of late of living with cancer as well as being treated for it and how it has been up to now. So.. thought I would add some dose of actuality here.

First off.. I just realized that I have only had my period once since my treatments started. I was told that they would probably stop due to the meds I just kind of forgot.. it’s been nice actually and since I already have endometriosis will probably make that calm down as well.. see there is a blessing here

Second.. my hair although I do still have it and I’m sure most people wouldn’t notice but I am still losing it. There are days when it comes out less and other days when it’s quite a bit. I can tell it’s quite thin but luckily I have thick hair so I think this helps disguises the loss. However on those days when I am in the shower combing out what I do have left that what does come out causes me to pause and feel a little sense of loss.. nothing too terrible just a little sadness..

Third.. nausea.. nausea and more nausea. I have actually gotten used to living with having it all the time. Some days are worse then others and at times I can’t even look at certain foods (changes randomly) or smell certain smells (again, changes randomly). I don’t actually vomit too much but that nausea is the only constant I have had since being treated. Oh.. and dizziness.. which to me kind of goes hand in hand with the nausea. Maybe it’s just because it’s always with the nausea.. it’s more like a motion sickness.. can’t move my head too quick or turn too fast or I will lose my balance and or get hit by a wave of nausea. Mind you I know people who are really sick from nausea so I again feel blessed it isn’t worse.

Fourth.. feeling productive. I mentioned early on that it was very hard for me to feel useful due to not being able to actually do anything, not working, not being able to drive half the time or even do errands. About 75 % of my time is spent home not feeling well. I have been able to come to terms with this feeling of uselessness. A lot of it has to do with knowing that I need this time of not doing anything to just let my body heal. I’m am learning to just be.. learning to know that it’s ok to just stare out the windows.. for hours at a time if need be. Knowing that there is no stress in this, that my body and my mind is resting. I’ve actually grown used to doing this now and find that it is very much needed. It still sucks on days like today when it is raining not be able to just go out for a drive to a coffee shop or just a nice drive to the coast but I know that this too shall pass.. may take a while .. but it will.

Well.. I guess I will stop for now.. just wanted to give a little glimpse into my days and nights.. which I have to say.. nights.. my sleep is a mess.. but that will be another post..

Hope everyone is having a great weekend.. remember.. enjoy those quiet moments as it is what grounds us, at least it is what grounds me.

~ peace ~

]]> http://laurieoneil.com/2010/06/grounding/feed/ 3 http://laurieoneil.com/2010/06/my-week/ http://laurieoneil.com/2010/06/my-week/#comments Fri, 04 Jun 2010 11:58:26 +0000 Laurie http://laurieoneil.com/?p=763 Continue reading →]]> “Flowers have spoken to me more than I can tell in written words. They are the hieroglyphics of angels, loved by all men for the beauty of the character, though few can decipher even fragments of their meaning.”
~Lydia Maria Child ~

It’s so nice to see so many flowers blooming so early in the season. Really helps to boost the spirits to see the beautiful colors and smell the wonderful fragrances.. fills the soul with warmth. At least that is what it does with mine.

These Lupines were taken while my sister and I took a short walk after my chemo treatment this past Wednesday. Luckily they are in my neighbors front yard so I can visit them often..

I went to a flea marker last Saturday here in Hallowell and picked up this lovely green antique bottle for only two bucks..

I also found a box of antique and newer scarfs for $5.oo.. there must have been 20-25 different styles.. most of them pretty nice.. here is just a small handful of them..

Last but not least there has been something I have been wanting to do for a while and  I finally did it this week.. nothing earth shattering but it still felt really good. I’ve started making my own dog biscuits.. it’s all natural and with only real ingredients of my own choosing.. and the dogs LOVE them.. I will be making these weekly from now on for them and changing up the flavor. These ones are carrot and ginger, the next ones will be made with crunchy peanut butter.

The week hasn’t been too bad.. has lunch with some nice people.. had good quality time with my sister and enjoyed my time here at home. While there has been other less happy things going on I’m still just trying to enjoy what is good and really appreciate what I do have rather then what I don’t have and am losing. Sometimes its not easy and I do get pretty low but I know I have faith in my heart and love of life to keep my going. Life is too short to hold on to anger and not forgive for when things don’t work out however it doesn’t mean I have to be subjected to situations that aren’t healthy or don’t add positively to my life. My life now has to be mostly positive and as stress free as possible especially if I want to beat this cancer.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

~ peace ~

“When I find myself fading.

I close my eyes and realize

my friends are my energy.

nobody really needs to loney

or face things alone – it’s a habit.

and a very bad one too. “

Yes… my friends.. you are what pull me through my darker days and long nights. Thank you so much for all the many things you do. Most of them you don’t even realize you do.

~ Peace~