“Destiny, I feel , is also a relationship – a play between divine grace an  willful self-effort. Half of it you have no control over; half of it is absolutely in your hands, and your actions will show measurable consequence. Man is neither entirely a puppet of the gods, nor is he entirely the captain of his own destiny; he’s a little of both. We gallop through our lives like circus performers balancing on two speeding side by side horses – one foot is on the horse called “fate” the other on the horse called called “free will”. And the question you have to ask every day is – which horse is which? Which horse do I need to stop worrying about because it’s not under my control, and which do I need to steer with concentrated effort? “

“There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under my jurisdiction. There are certain lottery tickets I can buy, thereby increasing my odds of finding contentment. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I eat and read and study. I can choose how I’m going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life – whether I will see them as curses or opportunities (and on occasions when I can’t rise to the most optimist viewpoint, because I’m feeling too damn sorry for myself, I can choose to keep trying to change my outlook). I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts. “

~ Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love ~

I took this book out to send to a friend who wanted to read it before seeing the movie. I hope she doesn’t mind marked up books because I sure did mark it up, it is heavily highlighted and has little sticky notes on the pages I wanted to go back and look over.. and that is what I’m doing this morning. It couldn’t be better timing. There are still things going on that are emotionally draining that don’t have anything to do with the cancer. It’s not easy letting go of relationships even when you know it is for the best. The other person trying to pull you back in and even though you know it was unhealthy you still have those pulls. But I have a choice and I remember things about the past that make the choice of not getting sucked into something unhealthy again. It isn’t easy though.. wounds that are trying to heal but keep getting opened back up just by a few words.

The image above is a Petunia I found growing on my brick patio and as you can see its in the middle of a crack. I didn’t plant it there and found it one day opened up. I found the little flower in a very unkindly place to be a good sign.. a sign that even in an unlikely growing spot you can still grow and bloom. Right now I need all the positive reinforcement I can get to counteract the negative.

The passage above is something I need to read everyday.. should start my morning with it really. My opening daily prayer so to speak. I hope it will act as a shield when I get with emotional barbs which at times come out of now where and when I’m least prepared. It could be days and then bam.. another barb.. and I’m thrown off because the last one was supposed to have been the last one. Now that I have read this passage again and know that with practice I feel I have a chance of keeping this shield with me at all times. Hopefully after a while it won’t seem like I’m on guard but will just be a good and natural way of thinking.

So.. I think I’ve rambled enough.. not sure if it makes any sense and in some ways I don’t need to be too literal but it is my way of letting out some thoughts that I can’t outright say..

Hope everyone is having a great week..

~ peace ~

It is Monday morning.. and what a beautiful morning it is.. dry air, cooler temps and the sun is shining. Though the days are in some ways getting more tiresome and difficult as the chemotherapy go goes I know that in one month they will be done for now and I can take a much needed break from them.  I would love to have just two days in a row where I feel great. Right now that is my goal.. currently it is not the way and I know that  what I’m going through now is part of the process to beat this cancer but it is growing very tiresome to not feel good everyday. Some days it can vary by hour on how I feel other days its the whole day that I’m sick.. I never thought I would be happy to see the end of summer but this year, this time I am.. even if I have to do more later or something different that won’t be fun at least I will have a little bit of time where hopefully I can catch my breath so to speak.. course I never count on anything as it can all change at the drop of a hat. All I ask if for two days in a row of feeling really good, that means no symptoms at all, no fatigue, nausea, pain, numbness in my fingers, eye sight will be back to normal (forgot to mention my eyesight has gotten much worse, evidently the chemo meds can change the shape of the lens of your eyes therefore distorting things). I think having at least two days of this will help restore my mental and physical well being.

While I’m looking forward to August 25 which will be my last chemo treatment for this round I sit here and relish in the cool breezes that are coming in the windows for they help to push away the negative and calm my being. I’m still trying to live in the moment but I’m starting to see a little light at the end of the tunnel even if the end is actually just a bend in the road that goes onto a new treatment plan, I’m ok with it.

~ peace ~

They most often haunt me at night when I can’t sleep or when I awaken at the witching hour between two and three as I so often do, such as this morning.. its difficult for me to go back to sleep as these whisperings can be relentless and quite loud at times.

They have much to say these whisperings. I just have to find a way to let them be heard.

Hope your all enjoying your summer

~ Peace ~

I felt blessed to have been able to witness this beautiful creature as I think they are..

Safe travels back to St. Kitts..

The images above were taken while we went walking down to Willard Beach in South Portland, Maine. I used to live in this wonderful neighborhood and being here again made me a little home sick for it..

Here it is Wednesday.. somehow the days are flying by even though I’m not working.  I have been however working on trying to get my finances in order. Been on the phone trying to be proactive and not let my bills get out of control like I know they will at some point due to lack of income that will be coming in. I will be getting short term disability but it will only amount to about 1/2 of what I would normally make so.. while I was just barely making ends meet with overtime before all this cancer shite, I will be in dire straights with this adjusted income. Granted I’m grateful that at least I have the disability to count on but it just will not be enough. So, I’ve been trying to call all of my creditors to explain the situation and see if there is anything they can do to help me out.. defer payments, discounts etc. Problem is because I haven’t received my first check yet and therefore have no idea exactly how much I will be getting.. they can’t set anything up till I know this. Yet by the time I get my first check I will have started to get behind in my bills.. sounds confusing?? It is.. and me trying to stay ahead and try to plan it out isn’t working. I was able to work out a few things which is good but.. come next month it will be dicey.

I am using my “trying to be in the moment” attitude with all things and especially with the financial stuff but I’m the kind of person who also likes to plan out and budget so I’m learning that I just have to be in the moment and try what I can do for each day and pray and hope that it will all work out in the end…

It was so nice to see the sun today.. although its been colder then it has been. I’ll take the sun over clouds any day.

Hope everyone has a great day!

~  peace ~

OK.. so I know they aren’t glowing.. but I didn’t realize till I uploaded these that they were back lit by the afternoon sun that was reflecting off the water.. it was a nice surprise to find. I feel very grateful to have been able to spend some time at the back yesterday. You can read more about it over here…

~ peace ~

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