Yesterday we had a family get together at my Aunt’s house in New Hampshire. It was to celebrate my grandfather’s 90th birthday. I can’t say how wonderful it was to be around family.. some of whom I haven’t seen in years. I was reminded once again of how much time flies by and how much older we all are and how much as happened in the years that have passed. Being around everyone and even more so being able to reconnect more closely with a few, again reminded me of how lucky I am and how much family is important and essential to making you who you are.

For me personally it was a sense of feeling like I belong somewhere or  better yet, to a part of something bigger then myself. I feel like being around everyone yesterday made me that much stronger to fight this cancer. It’s as if I internalized all the positive energy from yesterday and now my body will hopefully utilize it to wear down the cancer. My spirit also benefited from being around everyone as well and in some ways that is the bigger gift and I am so grateful for that.

So.. here’s to reconnecting and staying connected to family. I am looking forward to enriching my life more because of having these new relationships.

~ peace ~

It’s so nice to see so many flowers blooming so early in the season. Really helps to boost the spirits to see the beautiful colors and smell the wonderful fragrances.. fills the soul with warmth. At least that is what it does with mine.

These Lupines were taken while my sister and I took a short walk after my chemo treatment this past Wednesday. Luckily they are in my neighbors front yard so I can visit them often..

I went to a flea marker last Saturday here in Hallowell and picked up this lovely green antique bottle for only two bucks..

I also found a box of antique and newer scarfs for $5.oo.. there must have been 20-25 different styles.. most of them pretty nice.. here is just a small handful of them..

Last but not least there has been something I have been wanting to do for a while and  I finally did it this week.. nothing earth shattering but it still felt really good. I’ve started making my own dog biscuits.. it’s all natural and with only real ingredients of my own choosing.. and the dogs LOVE them.. I will be making these weekly from now on for them and changing up the flavor. These ones are carrot and ginger, the next ones will be made with crunchy peanut butter.

The week hasn’t been too bad.. has lunch with some nice people.. had good quality time with my sister and enjoyed my time here at home. While there has been other less happy things going on I’m still just trying to enjoy what is good and really appreciate what I do have rather then what I don’t have and am losing. Sometimes its not easy and I do get pretty low but I know I have faith in my heart and love of life to keep my going. Life is too short to hold on to anger and not forgive for when things don’t work out however it doesn’t mean I have to be subjected to situations that aren’t healthy or don’t add positively to my life. My life now has to be mostly positive and as stress free as possible especially if I want to beat this cancer.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

~ peace ~

Good morning.. and what a nice morning it is.. it has finally cooled off and the sunrise and dawn were a welcome sight to see along with the cooler, less heavy air. Although as I write this the clouds are coming in.. which is good.. the gardens will love some rain to quench their dry soil.

This week has been a pretty trying week in many ways but at the same time also has been a very good week with people still continuing to show their love and support. It still amaze me how much people are giving.. and I’m not talking just money.

I had my first infection this week for which I am being treated for now. I started feeling pretty crappy this past weekend and it lasted for a few days.. while normally I wouldn’t care I decided to give my oncologist a call. They wanted me to come in on Tuesday and sure enough my counts were low and my immune system a bit compromised. I started having sx’s of possibly getting bronchitis and since I have asthma they said that is already a weak spot and just treated me to be safe. Also.. they again told me I wasn’t taking enough pain meds.. I’ve been having quite a bit of pain as well.. more so then I have in a long time but have been hesitant to take much on the way of pain meds.. although now I am seeing that I really need to bump it up a bit.. my body is wearing down from dealing with the hurting even though my brain thinks I can take it my body is growing tired of it.. again.. seems as if the cancer fight isn’t the only battle going on.. my mind and body are also at odds.. sometimes I don’t know who to listen to.. my heart tends to try to get involved but of course it’s emotional and sometimes muddies the water between those two. Looks like I just need to listen to my body more.

Overall.. I still wake up grateful and looking forward to seeing what the day will bring… I am finding that there is a always something beautiful that fills me with awe and gratitude, even on the bad days..it’s always there, those little gifts. Sometimes you just have to take away all the trappings of the wrappings and it will be there.. even if it appears to be small.. it’s just as powerful. Don’t under estimate the significance… it’s all right there for us to see and if our hearts and minds are open.. it’s there for us to feel.

~ peace ~

“When I find myself fading.

I close my eyes and realize

my friends are my energy.

nobody really needs to loney

or face things alone – it’s a habit.

and a very bad one too. “

Yes… my friends.. you are what pull me through my darker days and long nights. Thank you so much for all the many things you do. Most of them you don’t even realize you do.

~ Peace~

Happy Monday!!

Hope you everyone had a wonderful weekend. We here in Maine had a beautifully warm and mostly sunny weekend which continues on today.. I can’t believe how lucky I am to be able to really enjoy this unusually warm Spring.

As you can see from the photo above there is going to be a Healing Benefit for yours truly here in Hallowell on May 16, 2010. I can’t tell you how grateful I am for this. Everyone has donated their time and talents to put this on and I am so very very thankful to be a part of such a loving community who really do take care of their own.

If you in the area please come on by.. if you are unable to but would like to contribute I have installed a PayPal donation widget here on the top of the page although it doesn’t seem to work with debit cards.. I am trying to get that fixed so for now it will only take paypal accounts or credit cards. I can’t tell you how odd it feels to be talking about donations to help me and my family through this but as I’ve been told.. it needs to be done. So.. if your able to wonderful, if not I completely understand.. if you do donate I will send you one of my own photographic cards as a thank you so please leave your address on the donation page.

The image above is a collaboration between myself and a local artist here in Hallowell by the name of Bruce Mayo. It is comprised of one of my photos and a painting created.

Hope everyone has a great week ahead..

~ peace ~

Oh my has it been almost 10 days since my last post??!!  I had my second chemo treatment yesterday and it wiped me out for almost 5 days.. the remaining few days I spent coming out of it and started being able to function somewhat. Today was the first day I was able to edit photos from a walk I took a week and 1/2 ago at the Arboretum in Augusta. The following images are from that walk..

The interesting thing I’ve noticed lately especially with being sick on the couch is how time passes and what it means to me. Obviously I have a lot of it now on my hands so I am able to think .. a lot.. about things. There were a few times through out a particular day that I would  notice the time. Not for any real reason since I had no schedule to keep with anyone but just to see what the time was. I thought about how it still continues to move on, silly I know, it obviously moves on but still it was kind of weird to think about. Here I am not doing anything but laying, sitting, sleeping and reading on my couch and whenever I would look up time would continue to move ahead and before I knew it it went from 6:00 in the morning to dinner time. Yet I didn’t do anything… just laying about. I realized when I did look at the time I was looking at it from a new perspective. Before I was sick when I looked at the time it was to find my place in the scheme of things.. I looked to see what time I had till I left for work, was it time to leave for work, I would watch the time while driving to work to make sure I wasn’t running late. Then.. I got to work.. made sure I was on time, then.. I watch the time till I left 12 hours later.. all hours of the day had meaning pertaining to the schematics of the day. I would look up and see 10:00 am and think good grief.. only been here an hour. I would see noon.. ok.. good.. nine more hours to go. From there it would be almost every hour I would see the time.. granted I worked on a computer all day so the time was always there.. also I had to time stamp all my calls with charting. I was always.. constantly aware of the time.. almost down to the minute. My days off weren’t quite the same, but still.. watching the time still playing a large role.

Now.. I don’t watch the time.. not in the same way.. I forget to look at it now.. when I’m on the couch.. resting, eating, reading, knitting.. I don’t pay attention.. I can look up or think to look at the clock and see 2-3 hrs have past.. it means nothing.. and in that freeing of time comes peace.

I think I’ve said this before but because I have no schedule any longer I have no time constraints and can come and go as I want. Granted this only physically happens when I’m feeling ok which is not as often as feeling crappy but still.. time in my now life really has no role other then MD appts which aren’t too many. Also because I can get sick at any given time I rarely make plans or if I do they are contingent upon me being able to back out if I get sick.

I really and truly finding myself living and being in the moment where time doesn’t have much to say about it. It really such a freedom that I don’t take lightly but am trying to embrace wholeheartedly and thank God every moment I can for being able to appreciate what I have.. even with Cancer.. yes.. I do appreciate all that I have, actually probably more so then I did before.

I hope you can find  the time where they can allow that time to slip a way some while pay close attention to the only time we really have.. which is and always will be.. this moment.

“Time is what keeps the light from reaching us. There is no greater obstacle to God than time: and not only time but temporalities, not only temporal things but temporal affections, not only temporal affections but the very taint and smell of time.”
~ Meister Eckhart~

I can’t express how much everyone’s comments have meant to me on my “that thing we have” post. I am humbled and oh so very grateful to read such moving and inspirational words of love. They have brought tears to my eyes and new meaning to my heart.

While it was upsetting at first to start losing my hair I have come to accept it pretty quickly. I will be getting it cut shorter this week to take some control of it and to make the transition easier for when I do lose it all. Also to be honest I am shedding now more then my two dogs and it’s a bit tiresome to be always plucking hairs from everywhere.

So here I am today after having some meaningful conversations with my sister and with my boyfriend Michael (who btw is also known as Azo) and my beautiful daughter Hayley. I feel like I have a new lease on life.. can you believe it. This is how I am now looking at having cancer. It has woken me up to see that maybe I need to slow down after being so busy and taking care of so many things for oh so  many years. I’ve thought I’ve been taking care of myself but maybe just on the outside. Yes.. some on the inside but not enough.

I was feeling pretty lousy last week because I had all this free time I thought I had no focus and no purpose any more. I realized after chatting with the above said loves of my life that maybe the focus should be me. I have no option but to take it easy and not always be doing something. I don’t have to feel guilty about just being in the here and now all the time. Event he finances I’m feeling less stressed about because somehow I am hoping they will get taken care of. Of course I will help it along the way as best I can but.. if I really take care of myself then hopefully it will all fall into place.

Taking care of myself will mean actually learning to like myself. I mean really like myself and honor who I am. Even as I write this it feels uncomfortable and a little egotistical to say but.. as those beautiful comments pointed out I have some qualities that I don’t value as much as other people do and I really need to. I need to learn what is truly important even if it means losing my hair, shutting off the cable due to finances, losing some other things that I thought made me who I am. Cancer is making me strip away the facade of who I think I am and if I take the opportunity, forcing me to look within myself and as my sister said ask myself  “who am I” and this is not to be defined by what my job is or that I have a house, things etc.. but who am I in this world, how does my spirit fit in in the cosmic/spiritual way of things.

Cancer is not something I would wish on anyone, including myself , however, maybe there can be lessons learned from having it and therefore by having it making it work for me rather then against me. I know I will still have bad days, I know when I get my hair cut short I will cry ( and I know this is ok), I know when it is completely gone I will be sad, I know there may be other more serious hurdles ahead of me. I have to believe that there will be a better me for me coming out of this. I need to see what you all see because frankly I don’t. I want to love myself as much as you all do.. and cancer is giving me this opportunity.

While I am grateful to everyone for their love during this time,  I am also learning to be thankful for this very humbling situation I now find myself in and I will not take it lightly. I will be using this time to allow myself to discover who I really am, even if you all know it.. I need to now know it and more importantly believe it.

~ peace ~

~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

It’s Friday and boy has it been a long week.. I tried writing this post yesterday.. got only as far as uploading the photo. Was dizzy and nausea for most of the day and what’s worse is when I’m on the computer, it’s worse. So.. my computer time has been very limited.. which really isn’t a bad thing other then trying to catch up with people or updating friends and family as to how things are going.

Wednesday I went down to Portland and had my counts done. They look good! So.. I guess so far I’m doing the right thing and my body is listening to me.. so long as I take care of her she will take care of me.. or so me theory goes. Other then my day trip to Portland I’ve been pretty much home bound.. well I did get to go out for a couple of hours last night with Michael, we played a game of cribbage at our favorite local The Mad Dog and had some wonderful dessert to go along with the game. Unfortunately I had to cut it short due to not feeling well all of a sudden. That is the weird thing about all this.. I’ll be feeling so so.. not 100% but not too bad when all of a sudden I’ll feel pretty crappy, with no warning and then it’s like “show’s over” time to hit the couch and take meds.. but at least I get to have those times for a couple hours at least where I can do some normal things.. even if its at a slower pace.

Another really cool thing this week I got to see was the Eagles out behind my house giving flying lessons to their newest eaglet. It’s an awesome thing to witness and I’m so very thankful and in gratitude that I get to hear and seem them every day here at the house.

A blogger friend of mine does this really cool thing on Fridays called Realities and Blessings.. she encourages other people to do the same and I think today I will take her up on that offer. I should be back at some point today or tomorrow to do this hopefully new weekly venture.

Until later.. hope everyone has had a great week..

~ peace ~

Happy Easter everyone! What a beautiful weekend we have been having. It’s warm.. well for Maine.. 60′s and 70′s. Tree’s and bushes are sprouting new growth. Tulips and hyacinths are tall and green. Earth and all its splendor is waking up from the long winter and I am as well.

Yesterday I was able to spend some time cleaning off the patio and raking out the gardens. It took a while but I got it cleaned off and I can’t tell you what it did for my spirit to see all the plants coming back to life.

Being able to sit outside and enjoy the warm air, the robins singing and the smell of hope in the air. Spring is like that here.. after our winters of dull and gray we long for this time of year. Its what makes these Maine winters worth it.

I have to say that I am trying to see  blessings in things right now. One of those blessings is being able to face cancer in the Spring time. It gives me hope to grow and heal alongside the plants and trees coming back to life. I can watch them get stronger and flower as the days get warmer.. it really does help to be able to appreciate all that there is even when there are obstacles. I think that makes it all the more worth while and important now more then ever to pay attention to all those simple things. That is what I’m doing.. I thought I had done it before and I know I did.. now its just that much sweeter.

Happy Easter and Spring every one.. get outside, feel the sun, smell the air, listen to the birds and look for those buds coming out. I promise those few minutes of simple awareness while have a lasting effect.. even if only for the day

Today Hayley goes back to college down in PA. I have to admit I’m sad about her leaving however I feel so blessed that she was able to get away for a week without doing much damage to her school work. Her time here has most definitely helped ease the shock and pain of this pass week. Both physically and spiritually. She has enough life and energy for both of us and I do not want to take any of that away from her. I’m glad she is going back to school. She has worked so hard to get to where she is and she knows it. While having her so far away for the next 6 weeks will be difficult it helps to know that she is doing what she wants to do.. and what is needed.

Spending the last 7 days together has helped us both to deal with this new family member called Cancer.. now we just need to work on sending the bitch packing..

Enjoy your weekend all..

~ peace ~