Daily Archives: Monday, December 5, 2011
“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. Except a creature be part coward, it is not a compliment to say it is brave.”
~ Mark Twain ~
Here is another one of my posts that I have been putting off for a little bit now. I haven’t written much about my cancer as of late because there have been some things in the works with unclear answers and I didn’t want to say anything until I knew for sure at least some of what was going to happen.. so here goes.
I found out last week that I will need to see the Oncologist down at Dana Farber in Boston along with a transplant doctor to talk about doing a stem cell transplant. Here is the information as I have it currently; because I have what is called refractory Lymphoma, meaning it is almost completely resistant to treatment. The stem cell transplant is really the best way to go at this point. There are two types of transplants, one where you donate your own cells and once where you get donated cells (Allogeneic). My type of cancer won’t work with my own cells (go figure) which would be the easier of the two. The Allogeneic transplant has higher mortality rate and is a more complicated procedure. To do the transplant I also need to be in complete remission and given how soon my cancer came back before (2-3 months) it seems it would be sooner rather then later (I’m thinking Jan or Feb again not sure what they will say officially). What I do know is that it would require me being in the hospital for at least a month. What would probably happen in the hospital ( I still need to sit with the docs in Boston for a more accurate picture) is I would get 5 straight days of chemo and then possibly radiation, this would ensure that the cancer is irradiated from my body. They would then start the transplant process… I will be honest here and say that I haven’t really looked into exactly what this will entail. I have read the general idea about it here at the Dana Farber Website but I am going to wait for the big boys in Boston to give me all the juicy details. After the transplant it will be a couple of years of being on many meeds and making sure my body doesn’t reject the transplant. As daunting as all this sounds and trust me I am not looking forward to any of this, the prospect of finally being cancer free is what will keep me going.
Needless to say this has caused my brain and emotions to be muddled up quite a bit and I’ve been trying hard to come to terms with it and accept it. I have many fears but thankfully have been able to talk about them and get them out in the open, even if out in the open is just the one person I had entrusted these fears with. I know I have to think in the long term goal here rather then in the current details of it all but of course it’s in the details and as well as the fear of the unknown that have me wanting to run and hide. However that place that I want to run to has my big girl pants within reaching distance. It’s time to put them on and fight.
I have to say that I have had a few amazing conversations with some people I’m close to relating to all this and I know that its in these words of wisdom and advice that will give me the strength that I know I will need to be able to get through this. Initially I thought I was going to be alone in all of this, especially with my stay in Boston for so long but I was reminded (thankfully) that I will not be truly alone. Even if I am physically, I know and I feel my friends and family offering me their love and encouragement to ensure that I will never be alone in my heart and spirit. This is where it is most important, this is where the cancer will have no place. This is where there can only be light.
~ Peace ~