I’ve been putting off writing a post about my cancer for some time now. I guess I just wanted to focus on the good things in my life and not get caught up in being sick. However doing today’s assignment in this Creative Boot Camp and learning to find other ways to express myself I have come to the realization that my cancer, whether I like it or not is a part of who I am. It is a disease that invaded my body and spirit but it also has made me the person I am today and in all honesty I like this person better then the one I was pre “C”. Not that I was a bad person mind you but I now have learned to have less stress in my life and I learned the value of friends, family and living healthy, emotionally and physically . Today I surround myself with positive people who really care and who are there for me as I am for them. Before, I was around negative people who didn’t accept me for who I was and were always trying to change me and that changing was never stopping. I couldn’t change myself enough to please some people and it was exhausting and in the process I lost who I was, my essence, Me. I have since gained a lot of it back but now though this creative process I’ll doing for the next two weeks I think I will be able to expound upon it even more which considering I will be starting chemo in two weeks is pretty fortuitous timing this to be happening. I feel it will help me to accept even more what is going on with my cancer and once again learn to make the most of it.

Which now brings me to the latest update on what is going on. I had mentioned I found out my cancer came back this past January after only a few months in remission. I have since had a few cat scans and while the initial couple had shown a slow progression the last one showed things had sped up a little bit and I now have tumors I can feel once again through out my body and they are causing me quite a bit of discomfort and pain. I also found out that the cancer is now spread to my liver which is unusual for this type of cancer to do but nothing about this whole thing has been usual. I will be starting a clinical trial study chemotherapy which will commence on may 31 and will at the very least, last 6 months, possibly more if I end up getting an additional study med which I won’t know until I show up that day for my initial dose.

I could have started the chemo early however I really wanted to have this month to enjoy having Hayley home for a few weeks and celebrate my birthday without being sick from the chemo. My oncologist is fine with this as long as we start no later then the 31st. Of course he told me if I feel really bad we can start early however i’m going to try to hold out for a couple more weeks.

Needless to say it’s been a very emotional few months. Lots of very great and wonderful things that I am blessed for have entered my life however the cloud of what is to come is heavy and hangs near me constantly and at times taints the good things. This is why doing the boot camp will, as I realized today, be a healing step for me and I think a big one at that. While I don’t want to focus on the cancer especially on the creative side I think it will be in my best interest to stop denying it. While I may not embrace it I will learn all I can from it.

~ peace ~