Friday, January 28, 7:30 am ~ Not sure what to write here or if I will even post this.. just feeling the  need to write out what’s been going on.. so here goes..  this past week I found out my cancer may be back.. it was quite a shock to hear as you could imagine. I’m still not sure what to think or how to feel except a bit depressed and sad.. a part of me doesn’t know if I can do it all over again. Obviously I will but just for right now.. I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed and tired. I think about having to go through another round of chemo treatments and it consumes me with dread and immediate exhaustion.. I’m still getting over the last one and dealing with being sick from that chemo. My body and mind are spent. If there was ever a time for me to get away and go somewhere for a vacation now would be it. Just to forget and be “normal” for a little bit..

I’m sick of watching life from the sidelines.. I want to participate in things and just as I thought I would start to try I get this bit of news.. and the news is this.. I have two enlarged lymph nodes (albeit small for now) under my right arm pit. They showed up in a lung CT about six weeks ago which I had for my lung/breathing issues. I had missed a few appts with my oncologist due to all these storms we’ve been getting but this past Tuesday we finally met and we went over the CT as well as my other issues. He is also quick to say that while this is not something he would expect, he is concerned that my lung/breathing issues could be another form of the cancer. So.. here I have a possibility that it is back in two forms. The next step is to have another lung/abdomen/pelvis CT this coming Monday and then meet with him on Wednesday for the results. He also said he may want to consider doing an open lung biopsy, while he doesn’t want me to under go yet another procedure it may help us get to the root of what is going on with my lungs which as of this week an xray still showed a nodular of some sort on my right lung.. I’ve now had this for a few months.

I’ve been waffling back and forth with whether or not I share this news.. a part of me wants to keep it hidden until I know for sure but the other part of me remembers when I first started writing about my cancer on here and how I wanted to be honest and open.. and the feedback I got was the same. Sometimes though I’m just not sure where that line crosses and how much do I keep for myself. I do know that for me writing is a way of working things out in my head.. the question is do I let all of you read what I write.. which such as now is I feel very private and in some ways putting it out there makes me feel more vulnerable then I already feel. I do know that people have come to read what I write about my battle with cancer and have written they appreciate what I have written and that it has helped them and that reason alone is enough or me to continue to be open and honest.

9:23 am – I know that if I am faced with cancer again I’m in a better place then I was last time and I also know with out a doubt that I will get through it and that it’s just another leg of this journey of which I know not the destination but I know I won’t be going it alone and with the love and support of my family and friends this too shall pass.

So now I take a deep breath, post this entry even tho once I do I know it makes everything all the more real.. here’s hoping and praying to have some good news next Wednesday.

~ peace ~