Written last evening..
Tuesday 6:00 pm – I remember a little while ago I wrote that while I’m in remission the noose that I always felt close to my neck during the time I was being treated would continue to be hovering near.. today it once again has swung a bit closer and sooner then I expected. I’m writing this just an hour after finding out that there is a nodule on my lung. I had an xray today due to this persistent bronchitis thing going on (almost 6 weeks now) My pulmonary MD wanted to check to see if was pneumonia again hence the needed xray. She called me about an hour ago (5:00) to tell me that while it didn’t show I had pneumonia (Bronchitis instead) it did show a nodule on one of my lungs. The lung Doc wants me to have a CT scan ASAP, they will call me tomorrow to let me know when I can go back down to Portland to get one. Mind you I just spent two days down there with various docs due to being sick for so long.
So.. I’m sitting here trying not to freak out, at least I’ve calmed down a bit.. it’s been almost 50 min’s since I talked to her but as soon as she told me what she did, everything got really small and vacuum like. My heart pounded and tears came to my eyes. All this happening in my car at the Hannaford parking lot since I just came out from getting some groceries. Even though I live with knowing I had cancer and still having symptoms from the chemo, and knowing its possible for it to come back, it’s amazing how quickly it all comes crashing down and those feelings come rushing back from last March when I first was diagnosed. It’s different this time but.. still pretty weird. What I find most life altering is that even though I’m sure its nothing and probably something to do with this viral thing going on, it surprised me how fast I got scared and how close to the surface all those feelings still are. I’m also realizing that this will now be a part of how things will be.. something will come up that may be odd and I will immediately jump to the conclusion that it is the cancer coming back. I’m sure over time it will ebb but for now its pretty darn fresh. That freshness comes from this past summer and how I realized just how much I have to lose. In that time however I also know just how much I’ve gained, but it was all at a price. I am truly exhausted, both physically and mentally. There is a part of me that feels I’m too tired to fight it if it is the cancer that has come back, and that scares me.. of course I would but.. I am pretty worn out.
So that is where I am at now. I am what you would call on an even keel. Not freaking out anymore but very much in the present and taking it moment by moment.
Updated this morning, Wednesday 7:05 am – I wasn’t sure I was going to post this, I don’t want anyone worrying that I’m not ok or that I’m giving up, I don’t need to have my hand held or be told everything will be ok.. I know things will be fine, one way or the other. Me writing this is really more for myself, just to be able to write down what I’m feeling. To be open and honest on my blog about my cancer as I said I would be from the beginning. I’m not sure what will happen, but I do know that I am surrounded by the love and support of friends and family both near and far and that is how I will get through this latest scare.. as I am sure that is all it is.
~ Peace ~