“The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be”
~ Marcel Pagnol ~
It’s a rainy Sunday morning and I am sitting here at my desk, looking out the windows, smelling the peonies I put in a vase to my left and thinking and realizing I haven’t written about any of the realities of late of living with cancer as well as being treated for it and how it has been up to now. So.. thought I would add some dose of actuality here.
First off.. I just realized that I have only had my period once since my treatments started. I was told that they would probably stop due to the meds I just kind of forgot.. it’s been nice actually and since I already have endometriosis will probably make that calm down as well.. see there is a blessing here 
Second.. my hair although I do still have it and I’m sure most people wouldn’t notice but I am still losing it. There are days when it comes out less and other days when it’s quite a bit. I can tell it’s quite thin but luckily I have thick hair so I think this helps disguises the loss. However on those days when I am in the shower combing out what I do have left that what does come out causes me to pause and feel a little sense of loss.. nothing too terrible just a little sadness..
Third.. nausea.. nausea and more nausea. I have actually gotten used to living with having it all the time. Some days are worse then others and at times I can’t even look at certain foods (changes randomly) or smell certain smells (again, changes randomly). I don’t actually vomit too much but that nausea is the only constant I have had since being treated. Oh.. and dizziness.. which to me kind of goes hand in hand with the nausea. Maybe it’s just because it’s always with the nausea.. it’s more like a motion sickness.. can’t move my head too quick or turn too fast or I will lose my balance and or get hit by a wave of nausea. Mind you I know people who are really sick from nausea so I again feel blessed it isn’t worse.
Fourth.. feeling productive. I mentioned early on that it was very hard for me to feel useful due to not being able to actually do anything, not working, not being able to drive half the time or even do errands. About 75 % of my time is spent home not feeling well. I have been able to come to terms with this feeling of uselessness. A lot of it has to do with knowing that I need this time of not doing anything to just let my body heal. I’m am learning to just be.. learning to know that it’s ok to just stare out the windows.. for hours at a time if need be. Knowing that there is no stress in this, that my body and my mind is resting. I’ve actually grown used to doing this now and find that it is very much needed. It still sucks on days like today when it is raining not be able to just go out for a drive to a coffee shop or just a nice drive to the coast but I know that this too shall pass.. may take a while .. but it will.
Well.. I guess I will stop for now.. just wanted to give a little glimpse into my days and nights.. which I have to say.. nights.. my sleep is a mess.. but that will be another post..
Hope everyone is having a great weekend.. remember.. enjoy those quiet moments as it is what grounds us, at least it is what grounds me.
~ peace ~
Hi Laurie,
I appreciate reading the thoughts and feelings you expressed in your blog on Sunday, June 6. For those of us wishing to share your journey, but can’t quite grasp what cancer is all about, your words and expressions of pain help us understand a little of what you are going through. Thank you for expressing it so eloquently. If warm wishes and kind words could fix what ails you, I know you would be cured today.
Hope you and Hayley had an enjoyable time together this weekend.
Warmest regards,
Helene Maraghy
just want you to know that I love the quotes you find. This one is particularly good. I can usually live in the present and find happiness in it. Sometimes have difficulty w/ it, especially if changes are occurring in my life. It’s so important to live in the now. You seemed to have this pretty well figured out before the cancer. However, now, it is obvious that you are even more grounded than ever. I envy this in you.
*hugs*
The quiet moments are needful to me, as well. I need that grounding. Listening to the rain. Looking out of the window (although the view is never all that encouraging…still…), playing with the cats, sitting and watching the cats. My life now seems to always revolve around these two companions. This is partly due to my emerging nature as a hermit. I like animals better than most of the humans — in my town, I mean. I want desperately to reread Walden — but there is a fear that stops me; I might just isolate my own self further. For too many years my only companion was stress and I paid a heavy price for that. We can’t avoid it, but we do have more control over it than we realize.
I know you must, at times, feel like you are not doing anything useful. But you are. Just by being is useful. Being true to yourself and others and having the courage and honesty to share what you feel is incredibly useful. You are seeing everything from a new perspective now; it’s a good view you have.
love ya, L.
mikey