So most of us have something about us that we like and other people like as well.. I am talking about a physical characteristic such as beautiful or interesting eyes, lips, nose, chin, hair etc. Well.. mine is my hair.. not that I am thinking it’s all that but still.. it’s unique and it is me. Now I never thought I was a vain person however I didn’t think losing my hair was going to effect me like it did this morning while in the shower.
I was brushing out my hair as I normally do at the start of my showers and when I pulled the brush away and looked at it to take out the hair I literally gasped at how much hair was there.. so much more then normal. All of a sudden it all came crashing down, like a storm over head. I started balling.. I haven’t cried this hard or for this long since being diagnosed. If it felt real before then now was all too real and was overwhelming… I just stayed in that shower for a long time, crying, thinking about this last month and realizing that this is the start of a long road ahead. Now I know it’s just hair and like I said I’m not a vain person but.. I don’t k now.. something about seeing all my hair on that brush just saddened me so much. It’s like I’m seeing my hair as a separate entity from myself and I felt sorry for her.. the hair that may be leaving my body for a long time. It’s early yet and I don’t know if I will just have thinning or if it all will be gone. I’ve only had one treatment thus far so I have a feeling my long, thick, curly, red hair, something that while I know shouldn’t define me but did and still does, will be gone.
Now I know that hair is just hair and it doesn’t make the person. I know its a sign of the chemotherapy which is what I need to kill the cancer. Still.. its a shocker when this early in the game it’s starting to happen and it is my “thing”.
Oh.. and one more thing.. why oh why can’t all these hairs that are coming out be the gray ones.. Lord knows I’ve got plenty.. 
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I LOVE your new ‘do’! Very, very pretty–it was a great idea!!
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Maybe this isn’t the right thing to say, but honestly I don’t blame you for crying. Yes, there is soooo much more about you to like, but if it were me?……..I’m 30 pounds heavier than I have ever been in my life, I’ve got more health problems that it’s ridiculous for someone who was never, ever sick, I’m not young anymore and everything sags and bags. I was the wife that other wives were jealous of cause I was pretty (or what everyone said was pretty), and had long, long hair that everyone loved. But I got mad cause I felt like it was all anyone saw–the outside of me and never what was inside me when I tried to say something. Oh, I could cook a dinner for 12 dressed to the nines and never spill a thing, chop wood with the best of men, shoot a gun and hit 5 out of 6 on the mark, get drunk but never act less than a lady, but it didn’t matter much to me cause all I wanted was to be heard, somebody to take me seriously! I always felt like I was screaming, but no one heard me. Oh, well, but I still have the hair (knock on wood)–no matter whether I’ve fried it, cut it, dyed it, bleached it (trust me, I’ve done it all!) permd it or ironed it, my hairdresser still can’t believe that in 6 months of dye jobs, I never get split ends. So, yeah, I’m vain about my hair, if I’m honest. It’s the one thing that’s stayed ‘true’ to me all my life if nothing and no one else did.
I think you should cry for your beautiful hair cause it is beautiful–you know I’ve told you so. But celebrate it too, and certainly put a lock in your medicine bag, but maybe have a ceremony for it’s loss because it is a loss. I cried too when I read your blog. But, you know what? It’ll grow right back and be more glorious than it is right now!! Right now, you need to be rid of the bad stuff inside you and maybe this is an outward shedding of some of that crap you’re getting rid of–like it’s a physical sign that it’s coming out of you….something you can see happening, something tangible!
May your spirit soar with the eagles and swim with the dolphins!
PS: if you do want to have a smudging ceremony in your back yard, I’ll bring some sage and sweet grass and I’ll cut a lock of my own hair to throw into the fire, I swear!!
Wow, well said she said with a tear in her eye. Laurie listen to Azo they are right and very eloquent in the way they describe you. It is the inner you we all fell in love with and it is the inner you we all see, and of course the freckles but hey I like freckles what can I say they are cute. Have your cries they clense the soul and then shake them off and face your demons as you always have. Standing proud and head on.
Love you girlfriend, hugs & kisses
i tried saying this yesterday , but i didnt have the luxury of this delete button , and sometimes i am better at writing than speaking . so that being said , please hear this …
from what i can discern from reading the many comments you have thus far collected in recent weeks , i know that i am not alone in loving you . everyone; from those who have met you briefly to those who know you on a deeper level ; all agree that you have certain characteristics that we all strive for in our quest to achieve wisdom and peace . you have it , and not only that – you teach it . maybe you dont even know it …
the characteristics that i am speaking of are ,
1. your genuine love for your neighbors – whether they be near or afar . everyone knows it is good to love your neighbor as you love yourself – but you have been blessed with the ability to learn exactly how that is done …
2. you have chosen to do so .you have mastered such concepts as
3. seeing with your soul ,
4. hearing with your spirit ,
5.feeling with your heart ,
6. speaking with your photography ….
7. acceptance ,
8. equality ,
9. patience ,
10. charity ….
maybe you already know this , but i want to edify you anyways . if you lose 100 lbs., or gain 100 lbs . …. if your beautiful eyes should somehow heal over , or your ears refuse to allow sounds in … if your soft voice should be silenced , your little freckles wash away or your long , thick , wavy red hair turns into pink scalp ? do you know that to US you will still be laurie o’neil ? for it is not your look – as pleasing as that look may be – that fills us with peace , love and a sense of belonging to something rare , grand and sooooo important …
you are very special laurie …. i know many people who talk the talk , but i know very few who are able to walk the walk as consistently , swiftly and as efficiently as you do , teaching others to do the same with your attractive inner beauty , which just happens to be wrapped in a gorgeous outer skin …. most of us know that these characteristics have been born of extremely difficult times , and that you must have conquered your demons by the dozen .
it is my hope that you one day see what i see …. and see what titus sees …. and see what melva sees … yom , work-wife , hayley , your mom , leslie , tom , the list is toooo looooong …………….
you are beautiful on the exterior , but more importantly on the interior …. and i know that when God looks at you , he smiles and has hope for humankind …. because he can see you better than we can , and he most likely approves of your hard work and difficult choices …….
thank you for all you have shown me , taught me , and inspired me to be .
What about your freckles? There are always more than one thing that defines you. I always think of both your freckles and your hair when describing you. The freckles will stay around. This may sound silly, but it really is how I define you. YOM
Always thinking of you, no matter what’s going on in my own weird life (my woes are little compared
to yours) — but neither of us are alone. We share each others stories in this life, if we care enough.
I’m always grateful for you — who you really are. Love follows you, Laurie, keeping pace, always
keeping pace. *hugs*
I know it will be a long road, Sweetie….this is another one of those “bumps in the road”….we’re here to help you with your journey.
Love you lots…