“To give pleasure to a single heart by a single act is better than a thousand heads bowing in prayer.”
~ Mahatma Gandhi ~
I can’t express how much everyone’s comments have meant to me on my “that thing we have” post. I am humbled and oh so very grateful to read such moving and inspirational words of love. They have brought tears to my eyes and new meaning to my heart.
While it was upsetting at first to start losing my hair I have come to accept it pretty quickly. I will be getting it cut shorter this week to take some control of it and to make the transition easier for when I do lose it all. Also to be honest I am shedding now more then my two dogs and it’s a bit tiresome to be always plucking hairs from everywhere.
So here I am today after having some meaningful conversations with my sister and my beautiful daughter Hayley. I feel like I have a new lease on life.. can you believe it. This is how I am now looking at having cancer. It has woken me up to see that maybe I need to slow down after being so busy and taking care of so many things for oh so many years. I’ve thought I’ve been taking care of myself but maybe just on the outside. Yes.. some on the inside but not enough.
I was feeling pretty lousy last week because I had all this free time I thought I had no focus and no purpose any more. I realized after chatting with the above said loves of my life that maybe the focus should be me. I have no option but to take it easy and not always be doing something. I don’t have to feel guilty about just being in the here and now all the time. Event he finances I’m feeling less stressed about because somehow I am hoping they will get taken care of. Of course I will help it along the way as best I can but.. if I really take care of myself then hopefully it will all fall into place.
Taking care of myself will mean actually learning to like myself. I mean really like myself and honor who I am. Even as I write this it feels uncomfortable and a little egotistical to say but.. as those beautiful comments pointed out I have some qualities that I don’t value as much as other people do and I really need to. I need to learn what is truly important even if it means losing my hair, shutting off the cable due to finances, losing some other things that I thought made me who I am. Cancer is making me strip away the facade of who I think I am and if I take the opportunity, forcing me to look within myself and as my sister said ask myself “who am I” and this is not to be defined by what my job is or that I have a house, things etc.. but who am I in this world, how does my spirit fit in in the cosmic/spiritual way of things.
Cancer is not something I would wish on anyone, including myself , however, maybe there can be lessons learned from having it and therefore by having it making it work for me rather then against me. I know I will still have bad days, I know when I get my hair cut short I will cry ( and I know this is ok), I know when it is completely gone I will be sad, I know there may be other more serious hurdles ahead of me. I have to believe that there will be a better me for me coming out of this. I need to see what you all see because frankly I don’t. I want to love myself as much as you all do.. and cancer is giving me this opportunity.
While I am grateful to everyone for their love during this time, I am also learning to be thankful for this very humbling situation I now find myself in and I will not take it lightly. I will be using this time to allow myself to discover who I really am, even if you all know it.. I need to now know it and more importantly believe it.
~ peace ~
I was struck by your words…poetry does not have to rhyme,poetry does not have to be creative,as far as I am concearned poetry’s only job is to move you and make you think. Isnt that what life is about? My dear girl, You are poetry. Thank you for sharing yourself with us.xxxBruce
Want to know what I was thinking while reading this? Our Laurie is back! I haven’t known you for long, but from the conversations that we’ve had, this sounds like the Laurie that I met last summer! Glad to see that you were in control of the decision to let the hair go!
Love you, you terrific, wonderful woman!!
“Taking care of myself will mean actually learning to like myself. I mean really like myself and honor who I am.”
I’m working on this too. Laurie.
But I honor “you” and love you long time; you are one of the most inspiring and dearly human people I have ever known.
Don’t forget how unique, admired and loved you really are.
You are an amazing and inspiring woman, Laurie! No doubt! I wish you so much strength this week when you let go of your hair…I hope it’s a feeling of gain rather than loss! You know, I think of doing the very same thing about every other day…of course for different reasons. Who knows…perhaps you’ll inspire this great onslaught of adorable pixie cuts!
Many, many hugs! xo, Maegan
Janet.. thank you
YOD
I’m excited to read this post. It comes from the Laurie I know. You note that you will be sad when you cut your hair and when you lose it, but, at the same time, you note that it is tiresome to have to keep picking up hairs. A very realistic view of your life. Turning around a difficult situation and finding the solution is what I always expect from you. glad to see you’re doing this still.
YOM