Realities and Blessings {Snow in April Edition}

You know your still in Maine when it’s April and one week it can be 75 degrees and two weeks later it snows.. the great thing is we know it won’t last. In fact even as I write this (granted it’s taken me almost 2 hours total) the snow shown on these buds are now gone. I have to admit I was happy to see some more snow and thankful it is now melted.

This has been a long, hard week. I’m starting to have a hard time with not working and having all this free time. Feeling a bit useless and unproductive. It is so not me to sit around most of the day but that is the reality of my life as of late. The fatigue is daunting. It comes on at times without any notice.. and consumes me. Then there is the dizziness and feeling of vertigo that comes along with it, again out of nowhere.  I have to admit it is a struggle to find some blessings among the realities of the week. However, finding the blessings, even elusive as they can seemingly be is what makes these realities bearable.

Realities: My body not working as  good as I would like it to. For months before I was diagnosed I was having pain and fatigue, just wasn’t sure what it was. Now of course I know, however knowing doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. In fact I know it may get worse before it gets better and the worse could be for months more yet.

Blessings: Learning to try to not worry about the things I can’t control and control the things I can. Last night I was reading this magazine called Cure Today which is my first foray into the reading world of cancer. I just read my second issue and I have to say it has been a relief to read what is in it. It talks about all aspects of cancer as well as bringing other some non conventional methods of trying to deal with the emotional and physical effects from cancer. The line above about control was mentioned in an article I was reading and it made me realize that this is what I need to work on and learn how to do. Instead of focusing on what I can’t do, which as of late is a lot. I need to focus on what I can do and should be thankful to still be able to do. That includes taking the moments when I’m feeling ok to take photos, edit them even if it’s only one at a time. Make blog posts such as this again, only a moment or two at a time but at least it can be done and really.. what is the rush.. there isn’t. It really was a blessing to read what I did. Made me realize I need to be easier on myself.

Realities: Along with financial difficulties I’ve been having and will have in the future I also have been having some depression. I need to be honest and say that while it is worse then before I’m not having any horrible thoughts, please don’t worry about that. Its just that I’m still trying to process all this new news. Yesterday was 4 weeks to the day since my diagnosis and I’m still processing and now trying to live day to day with it. That includes trying to plan my financial situation as best I can and try to prop myself up with a positive attitude but sometimes.. it’s just too much.

Blessings: Just when I’m feeling really bad about said finances and my mental health is low I get another email, notes, call etc with words of encouragement or just a one liner to say hello. I was given this beautiful quilt pictured here by a friend of mine who’s sister made it for me when my friend told her about me. She’s is amazing, she made it in a few days!! Then she, the sister brought it to her workplace and has people sew in a piece of thread and knot it all the while saying a prayer for me. Then my friend whom I also work with brought it to the poison center and had them to the same thing. I can’t express how special this quilt is to me, made for me by someone I don’t know and with prayers sewn in by people who don’t know me and people who do know me. I keep it on the couch and it is always on me.. reminding me of how very blessed I am and even when I am feeling alone I really am not. All I have to do is look down and see all these thoughtfully tied knots.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.. thank you again for all the well wishes and comments. You have know idea how much they mean to me.  Even if at times I am unable to express my gratitude due to being sick know that I am.

~ peace ~