“Flowers are a proud assertion that a ray of beauty out-values all the utilities of the world. ”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson ~
Oh my has it been almost 10 days since my last post??!! I had my second chemo treatment yesterday and it wiped me out for almost 5 days.. the remaining few days I spent coming out of it and started being able to function somewhat. Today was the first day I was able to edit photos from a walk I took a week and 1/2 ago at the Arboretum in Augusta. The following images are from that walk..
The interesting thing I’ve noticed lately especially with being sick on the couch is how time passes and what it means to me. Obviously I have a lot of it now on my hands so I am able to think .. a lot.. about things. There were a few times through out a particular day that I would notice the time. Not for any real reason since I had no schedule to keep with anyone but just to see what the time was. I thought about how it still continues to move on, silly I know, it obviously moves on but still it was kind of weird to think about. Here I am not doing anything but laying, sitting, sleeping and reading on my couch and whenever I would look up time would continue to move ahead and before I knew it it went from 6:00 in the morning to dinner time. Yet I didn’t do anything… just laying about. I realized when I did look at the time I was looking at it from a new perspective. Before I was sick when I looked at the time it was to find my place in the scheme of things.. I looked to see what time I had till I left for work, was it time to leave for work, I would watch the time while driving to work to make sure I wasn’t running late. Then.. I got to work.. made sure I was on time, then.. I watch the time till I left 12 hours later.. all hours of the day had meaning pertaining to the schematics of the day. I would look up and see 10:00 am and think good grief.. only been here an hour. I would see noon.. ok.. good.. nine more hours to go. From there it would be almost every hour I would see the time.. granted I worked on a computer all day so the time was always there.. also I had to time stamp all my calls with charting. I was always.. constantly aware of the time.. almost down to the minute. My days off weren’t quite the same, but still.. watching the time still playing a large role.
Now.. I don’t watch the time.. not in the same way.. I forget to look at it now.. when I’m on the couch.. resting, eating, reading, knitting.. I don’t pay attention.. I can look up or think to look at the clock and see 2-3 hrs have past.. it means nothing.. and in that freeing of time comes peace.
I think I’ve said this before but because I have no schedule any longer I have no time constraints and can come and go as I want. Granted this only physically happens when I’m feeling ok which is not as often as feeling crappy but still.. time in my now life really has no role other then MD appts which aren’t too many. Also because I can get sick at any given time I rarely make plans or if I do they are contingent upon me being able to back out if I get sick.
I really and truly finding myself living and being in the moment where time doesn’t have much to say about it. It really such a freedom that I don’t take lightly but am trying to embrace wholeheartedly and thank God every moment I can for being able to appreciate what I have.. even with Cancer.. yes.. I do appreciate all that I have, actually probably more so then I did before.
I hope you can find the time where they can allow that time to slip a way some while pay close attention to the only time we really have.. which is and always will be.. this moment.
“Time is what keeps the light from reaching us. There is no greater obstacle to God than time: and not only time but temporalities, not only temporal things but temporal affections, not only temporal affections but the very taint and smell of time.”
~ Meister Eckhart~
Amazing words and photographs. I think it’s so important to stay involved in every moment and to not get too far ahead of ourselves. We’ve all got busy lives, but it’s the times that make us take pause that are most valuable, where we can exist without looking backwards or forwards, but to stay in the moment, to engage fully, completely in our interactions with those we love most. I used to spend much of my life living in the future or the past, but the present is where it’s at, even if that means just doing the dishes or listening to the rain against the window. Thanks for sharing.
Laurie,
Life, isn’t it interesting. I have only had the pleasure of meeting you briefly, at Hattie’s a month or so ago. I was the one who commented on your beautiful hair, but apologized for the shallow comment for that certainly could not be your one defining feature. Obviously it is not. It hit me quite hard to read the post Bruce put up on facebook, why, I am not certain. Whenever someone passes through your life, even ever so briefly, and you hear that something like this happens, some of us ignore it, and others, like myself, wonder why. A catch phrase like cancer is a word not a sentence and other similar ones I am sure do not help, because you are the one who will live through this, not me. Although I am not a religious individual, I am surrounded constantly by those who are, and I will be certain that all of the energy that I can muster in the universe will be positively directed to you for this to be yet another story in the volumes of your life that I am sure that you have, and that you will be able to share with your friends and loved ones once this is all behind you.
I certainly do not expect you to remember me, but if there is any solace in knowing that there are people out here that you don’t even know, who may only know you as ‘the woman i met with the most amazing hair that i have ever seen’, that are keeping you in their thoughts for a speedy getting on with your life. Godspeed Laurie, a strong woman can beat these odds.
We all waste too much time…time to go, time to get back, time to do this and that….we don’t spend enough time just being and enjoying the simple things around us. I am too learning from you to slow down and take in what is around us. This post sure makes me appreciate so much more….thank you Laurie : )
Hugs and prayers to you my friend….I have May 4 and 5 off, if you feel like chatting….I’ll have my cell phone close! Love you…
Such an important thing to learn. We really do only have NOW. Most of us, however, are always waiting for something – time to go to work, time to go home, time to go out somewhere, time for someone to come home, looking forward to vacation, it goes on and on.
It seems you’re learning what the rest of us need to learn, all those things will happen, they are scheduled for a specific time. We need to let it go and think and live in the moment.
I try to do this, but not very successfully. I’m really trying to learn from you and your observations.
Thank you, Laurie
Love, YOM
“Now.. I don’t watch the time.. not in the same way.. I forget to look at it now.. when I’m on the couch.. resting, eating, reading, knitting.. I don’t pay attention.. I can look up or think to look at the clock and see 2-3 hrs have past.. it means nothing.. and in that freeing of time comes peace”
I know this peace now too, Laurie. It’s funny because I love clocks and my walls are covered with them (all analogue, as I love the idea of ‘hands’). The only one I notice now is the kit-kat clock in the kitchen, because the tail wags and the eyes move in a sleepy manner.
In a way, I have so much less than when you were here (savings, material things, etc.), but I also have more — more time, more thoughts, better perspective on life (I hope) — and more because you were here and you left your sense of thoughtfulness and being and comfort. I keep that closer than I used to. Thank you for that.
Thinking of you every day. You are truly a gift to this world.
hugs,
mikey