Waiting. .

I started writing this last night however I decided to take a pain med and it knocked me on my ass. I haven’t really taken anything yet for the pain which has been going on for about a month but I figure now that I know the pain is really due to something serious I’ve allowed myself to use the pain meds. After an hour of taking it I felt a little better but then figured since I wasn’t hurting as much as usual I would try to get some sleep..

Sleep that is another thing that has been changing quite a bit for me. I can’t really do it.. sleep that it is.. I can only sleep for a 1.5-2 hours at a time before I wake up. It’s almost like everything inside gets all squished up and if I stay on one side too long it gets pretty painful, more so then normal. So.. I wake up.. move around, get up to use the bathroom, get back in and try it again. This started last week but each day other then when I was in the hospital it has been getting worse. My consolation is at least I don’t have to work after these kinds of nights like I have in the past month so it’s not all bad.. and.. I’m getting more exercise in the night what with getting up and down..

The waiting.. it really is the hardest part right now. I know I have Lymphoma. I now just need to know what stage and what kind it is. My surgeon called me last night to let me know the biopsy should be in this morning.. as soon as it comes in the oncologist will be calling me to set up an appointment this week and then we can hopefully get this ball rolling instead of just sitting here stuck in the sand, if only that sand were in a tropical paradise.. then it wouldn’t be so bad..

Since I found out Friday that I have Lymphoma its like I’ve had this filter put on.. everything is the same but slightly askew. Life has been altered but not in any way that can be seen, it’s like a shift in the atmosphere. At times if feels like I’m outside looking in. One day I’m me and the next I’m me with cancer.. its weird but I do feel different, I’m not used to my new self yet and I think it will take some time to get used to her. In the meantime I hope my old self isn’t too far behind or gets lost in the all the chaos that will surely ensue. Maybe the old self  can come out and share itself with this new me, kind of show her the ropes. I know I will be forever changed by this and I have to believe that’s not a bad thing, the old self will just need some time.

Good god it sounds like I’m turning into someone with multiple personalities.. I assure you I am not.. haha.

Last thing  I want to say here is I can’t express enough my shock and amazement at how much support I’ve gotten since writing the first blog entry about this. I wasn’t sure it would be a good thing to write about or if it would be too personal and maybe bother some people. It doesn’t appear that way.. I’m in awe of the kind words, prayers and thoughts that have been sent my way. I can’t tell you how much it has already helped me just in the early days of all this. Saying how truly grateful I am doesn’t do it justice but until I come up with a better way to word it it will have to suffice.

until next time, peace