Today is the first day of my chemotherapy treatments.
I have very mixed feelings about this. Yes.. I am so very glad to actually be starting a treatment to get rid of this “thing” that has invaded my body and I know its really one of the only ways to help heal me. On the other hand these meds are a poison themselves. The side effects will probably make me feel worse then I currently do. Not only will I be taking the chemo meds they give me intravenously, I will also be taking some other meds by mouth. One of them is called Prednisone which for those of you who know me know I don’t do well on it at much lower doses then the 100 mg I have to take for 5 days straight starting today. I’ve taken them before when I’ve had bronchitis and they always made me quite agitated and unable to sleep. I can only imagine what this dose for 5 days will do..
I’m also feeling nervous this morning because I will get the results of the bone marrow biopsy as well as the PET scan from yesterday. I have a feeling the PET scan will show more cancer then we currently know. I have know idea about the bone marrow one but.. if it is in my bones there is the possibly of a bone marrow transplant which really is not my idea of a good time. And of course I’ve been worried about my own mortality. I do try to stay positive but sometimes that mortality thing just sneaks in. I don’t get to worked up about it but it does make me sad and scared.
Last night when I got home from getting the PET scan all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and do nothing.. absolutely nothing. I didn’t. I wasn’t the most talkative and I wasn’t the most happiest of people to be around but I felt I just needed to be with me.. not give anything except to myself. I was faced with all the fears that I have been trying to push away to stay positive. I figured I would let those fears take center stage for the night.. just to allow them to be known, I know it doesn’t mean I’m not giving in but just like being positive I need to give those fears and concerns a voice as well. Now this morning they know they are ok.. and can co exist with the positive as the positive will hold them and protect them. Let them know its ok to be here because it is a normal part of what is going on and they cannot be denied.
There is so much I want to say but unsure if anyone would want to sit here and read for hours.. lol. One of the thoughts I have been trying to come up with an answer for is how much do I share on here.. should I try to keep it light and positive so no one feels bad and thinks I’m giving in because I talk about being sad or depressed or should I just be completely honest. I think for me its best to give all of me, all the happy, sad, pissed off, worried emotions that I have been dealing with. I will preface this now to say that if I do come off some days as being more sad or depressed then other days please don’t worry I’m heading down the path of giving up. Its just some days I will feel like that and in order for me to move from that its good to write about it and I know those feelings don’t stick around as much as the positive ones. Like I said earlier I can’t deny them and they need a voice as well. I think its all part of the healing process for me.
I will probably start writing on here more and there probably will be sometimes where I don’t show a photo to go with it. For me the important thing is to write it out and if I can’t have an image that helps support my writing then so be it. Hopefully my writing stand alone and doens’t need an image to help it be read.. although I know.. it is nice to see as I am a visual person. So.. don’t be surprised in the upcoming posts if you don’t see an image or images to accompany the words. They are in my head I’m just having a hard time executing them.
Last but not least I have a dilemma I hope you all can help with. I am struggling with trying to decided if I should start another blog not on my own website to document the cancer struggle. My concern is that this site..laurieoneil.com is my photography website. Do people who come here to look at my photos and read my blog want to read about cancer too. Maybe I should just keep it photography related, more professional like. On the flip side this cancer thing is a part of my life and images will help me to deal with the cancer. I won’t always write about cancer in my blog but as I’ve said before it will be more often then not for a bit.
I would love to know what you the reader thinks. SHould I have a separate blog site for my cancer blog to keep it separate from the photography or do you like see it here.. kind of like one stop shopping. Please leave me a comment and let me know.. I’ll give it a week before I tally the votes.
Again, thank you all for the wonderful comments and support. I know I wouldn’t have made it being this positive ad loved without all of your wonderful words and compassion.
~ peace ~
15. Saturday April 24,2010 by Alix
I think Laurie it is so generous of you to share with us,you need all the energy you can get in the hope we all heeling together.you gave me hope as i had the big accident,far away from your illness, but i do believe standing by helped pushing forward to the positive.Letting me in is beautiful, just like your art
my love
Alix
Not sure if you’ve already tallied the votes but I think you need to keep it the same – don’t separate it out. It’s a part of you and cannot be separated out, even when it goes away (because you’re going to beat it) you’ll be still forged from the experience of living with it and through it.
Big hugs,
Ivory
Your work is gorgeous and the power of the words and images is tremendous. All power to you as you walk this difficult path. A friend on Flickr sent me this like because she followed my blog which I started because I was facing a probable cancer dx which caused me to have to leave China where I was living and teaching. My blog (a gmail blog site) is here
https://sites.google.com/site/windoverthelake/
All healing & light to you, Karin
I think if you want the website to be a project about you and your life, you should keep everything here, but if you want it to be about the photography, it might be better to move it. I think I like the life project, but that could just be me.
Hi Laurie…I agree with everyone else. We are all thinking of you everyday and wondering how you are and what you are thinking and what we can do. Please don’t hesitate to ask if there is anything I can do, anything at all. Take care and hope to see you soon, Jen
I think you should keep it all on one blog. You are sharing your life with photography and that is personal as it is and this is another piece of you. I wish nothing but for you to get better soon. I feel that you are strong and an amazing person as is, and that will enable you to kick the crap out of this… thing that has invaded your body. I wish there was a magic potion to give but alas they have not created one yet. thinking of you everyday. Much love cuz.
Laurie, please continue to share with all of us your words, your photos, and your beautiful self. Getting all of these thoughts, feelings, fears, and joys off your shoulders will help in your healing process…let us help you carry the load~~love you
Keep just this site Laurie, You are your images & writtings. Your images and writtings are your release and is the best treatment you cn give yourself. It is also a way for the people who care for you to check in and see how you are truly feeling. Love ya, see you soon. Shari
Yes, Laurie, keep up as you are doing now. We come here every day to check up on you. Best wishes with everything… xxxooo’s
B&S
I too think that you should continue on as you have been. This illness will impact you and those who know you both now as you undergo treatment, but also for the rest of your life. By this I mean that it effects peoples views on life love and friendship and many other things both now and after. You do a lovely job of putting it in to words. I thank you for that. I feel that it is therapuetic to you and to others, such as me that lack that talent. It is validating and important and may help some else through the struggle at some point.
Patti
Honey, just keep doing what you are. It is who you are. You went through this thought process when you originally decided to use this site for your blog about the cancer. You had valid reasons then and they haven’t changed. Love, YOM
Keep the whole blog together–I agree. The extraordinary gift to me is that you are permitting me a glimpse into your life which is always sacred territory for any of us. Thank you for being willing to share so much.
I agree with azo, Laurie — no separate blog. This blog has been about photography, which is a part of your life, but not the whole.
This illness is part of your life now, but not the whole. I think you should continue with your thoughts and musings here; it’s healing to express yourself in images and words and those of us close to you will understand and see through whatever darkness may lie ahead. To those who don’t know you well, this will be their introduction to another part of a life loved and fought for; an inspiration of another kind.
This blog is (to quote azo) “your life documented.” One can ask no more from a writer, a photographer, a courageous woman, a person who actually has the ability to put into words that which tries to defy the paragraph. Love ya, always!